Crazy Adventures in the ER

Two days after my 24th birthday, I lost my mind.
It started on Thursday when I got back from work and realized I had no recollection of the past 5 hours. I called my dad and told him what was going on, and understandably, he thought I was just drunk. If only. I ended up in the ER at the hospital down the road for six hours, of which I have little memory besides telling Rob repeatedly to get in the hospital bed with me and when I spoke with my dad on the phone, I told him I was there because I had an "abnormally large schlong" that was causing problems. I remember being really scared when Rob said "Do you want me to leave the room when the test results some back?" That's when it clicked for just a second that I might be in serious trouble. I was discharged around midnight, when I guess the doctors thought I was either getting better or they were just sick of all the homosexual innuendo in my room.
I don't remember coming home from the hospital, but I know I then kept waking up every 20 minutes and seeing ER discharge forms right next to my bed. Each time I'd open up my computer and look at the page describing global transient amnesia, which was the preliminary diagnosis. But then I would immediately forget and 20 minutes later, I'd wake up again and see those discharge papers. I had no idea what was going on. Apparently I knocked on Rob's door at 6 am with the papers in my hand and without a clue in the world. The ER doctors had thought I was improving and would be fine in the morning, but they couldn't have been more wrong.
Rob said I was no longer joking around Friday morning, although when he asked me to write any sentence on a piece of paper, I did write "I love Rob's Boner." Scott came over to bring me to the primary care doctor. At this point, I had no idea where I was, what my phone number was, where I lived, I may have known my name. I remember being in the doctors office, sitting on the table while Scott read a magazine. Scott left and my cousins came to take over "Watch the Crazy Guy" duty. My mind was mush, but I knew things weren't going well. The first hospital had not done thyroid tests and since my only medical condition is a hyperactive thyroid, that was, well, not good. They couldn't get in touch with my thyroid doctor and things were not even close to improving so they send me straight back to the ER. This time to a hospital that actually had some clue as to what they were doing.
Most of the day is a blur, and while I couldn't remember the year, where I lived, how old I was, members of my family...I did distinctly know that it was a serious situation. I had two ER bracelets on my hand and I looked at them constantly. The newer one said "PRE ER" on it, and I thought for sure that meant I was about to be wheeled in for surgery at any second. I also knew that my mom was on her way down, and that registered as a sign that things were not going well.
They put me through every test, every machine, possible in the ER. I had a cat scan, mri, chest scan. I remember being put in the changing room to put a gown on for the mri and looking in the mirror. I did this for a few minutes, but I couldn't make sense of what I was seeing. I recognized myself, but my head on was not on this planet. In the mri tube, I heard all of these weird noises and I had something in my hand I could squeeze if I needed to come out. But I was totally out of it, I don't know if they had me on sedatives or something, but I just laid there motionless, opening my eyes every few minutes when some strange noise would rattle my brain.
Back in my room, I could see the nurses out in the hall and I kept hoping they wouldn't come talk to me again. They kept asking me if I was going on a trip soon, obviously referring to Korea, but I had no clue and I responded "No" to pretty much everything. I could tell from my bracelets that it was just a couple days after my birthday, so I remember thinking maybe I had done something crazy to celebrate and destroyed my brain. Lauren called at one point and while I recognized the name, I had no clue as to who she was. I may have picked up the phone, but I immediately handed it to my cousin.
When all the tests came back fine, there was nothing more they could do for me at the ER, and although I was still in a daze, I remember being very very happy to be leaving that hospital. I fell asleep on the couch at my cousin's house and when I woke up on Saturday morning, I said, "I'm back."
I need to see a neurologist tomorrow and hopefully he'll concur with the hospital that it was this transient global amnesia which obviously scares the shit out of everyone involved, but has no long-term effects. And it only occurs again over the next year in about 4 percent of people who get it.
I'm so glad this happened on June 22 instead July 22, because if it happened a month later, I would owe the rest of my life's earning to hospitals. I had no plans to have health insurance from mid-July until I left for Korea. Sure, I'll still have to pay $500 or so in co-pays, but I don't even like thinking about how much I'd be in the hole if I didn't have insurance.
My grandmother told me that maybe this whole incident was God's way of telling me that I shouldn't go to Korea. I think it was his way of telling me just the opposite.

Can you lick your own NIPPLES?

Ah, I miss my that old aluminum foil penis I used to have. It was so shiny. Too bad I got it caught in a fence in '03. That was messy.
I took off from work today following a brutal weekend of sitting on my couch. I still have three sick days to use up before I quit next month, but there's no way I'll use them all. I really only work two days a week and even my moral conscience will kick in if I screw over the H-P anymore than I already do.
I had to sit through four high school graduations on Saturday, which was great fun. Of course, by great fun, I do mean I would have rather taken part in a giant homosexual gangbang than listen to 30 speakers talk about not wasting opportunities and making most of the future. That kind of verbal vomit, combined with being surrounded by hundreds of young girls, of whom I am now old enough to be their father, was not a pleasant experience.
I saw a car today with the license plate "UR NBRED". Pretty funny, but also quite an emotional event for me considering my mangina is now stuffed in an envelope heading back to the DMV. Actually, half of my mangina is still on my car, as I can't find a screwdriver to get the rear plate off. If I get pulled over, I think I'm pretty much fucked at this point. My mangina is no longer recognized in the state of Virginia.
I have an interview with a recruiting agency on Wednesday, which I'm sure will be incredibly easy. Then hopefully they'll find me a job in Seoul. These recruiters get ripped apart in all these discussion forums, but the way I see it, I'm looking for a job in the city that pays two grand a month, so if these shady characters want to go out and find that for me, whatever, makes my life easier.
I read somewhere today that online gambling is banned in Thailand with the government blocking out all of the sites. Man, I would have cried if I paid all that money to get to Bangkok, hooked up my computer and then found out Party Poker was shut down. So, lets just say I'm pretty fuckin glad I've settled on South Korea now, where from what I can tell, I'll be free to continue raping online casinos.
I miss Jack Bauer.

Can you spot the real Asian?

Dan found out recently that he was adopted. That dude in the red shirt has come forward as his father. They will see each other for the first time next month during a special edition of Maury Povich, "So you thought you were American? Well, guess what dumbass, here's your Chinese dad!!"
Yeah, so I haven't blogged in a while. Whatever. I do what I want. I am in pure Richmond cruise mode right now, just counting the days until I can tell my boss to go blow himself and get out of this place. I'm set on heading to South Korea now in August, hopefully, as I just can't ignore the money at this point. If it were two years ago and I had just graduated from college, I'd probably go to Bangkok, but I'll be 24 in a week and I feel at this point, I have to be doing things that aren't going to require me to send my bank overdraft fees every week. Also, apparently, I may be able to do some freelance reporting work in Seoul, which would be killer for the resume. As usual, I've had a ton of free time, but I'm still a waste of life and haven't applied to any schools yet. It's supposed to be a joke getting a job over there, but I'm really trying to make sure I'm in the center of the city, which narrows down the prospects.
I went to the UR Garden Party on Thursday, which is basically just a whole bunch of old rich white people getting tanked and eating good food. Plus me. Well, there were maybe 10 people there who were under 30, so it was quite awkward and i found myself conversing with way too many people who graduated in 1950. But I did make friends with a chick who works in the advancement office at UR and she invited me out to dinner with a few people who just graduated. That's all boring, but the great part was that the dinner and a ton of wine ended up on UR's tab. Now, that is a bit disturbing, but I surely didn't give a fuck, I just wish I hadn't eaten so much at the garden party, because I could only force down a bowl of soup at dinner. And a couple lines of coke.
Finally went to the verizon store last week to get the phone i put in the washing machine, because i'm a fucking idiot, fixed. The phone wasn't activated since I'd been using an old one for a while that actually works. Obviously the dumb bitch at verizon wouldn't have any of that common sense. She said they don't repair phones that aren't activated. That's right, if you break your phone and want verizon to fix it, for the love of god, make sure you keep it activated. It doesn't matter that it got tossed around the washing machine for an hour, it's got to be active. Defintely don't try to use another phone, for that would ruin everything. I half-assed argued with this lady, who told me it would cost 20 bucks for her to activate the broken phone. To which I said, "You are telling me I have to pay you $20 to push a button on that keyboard?" She says, "Yes, you have to pay for that service." I would have strangled this girl if I were strong enough to finish her off before her coworkers could pull me off her. Eventually, I walked over to a radio shack and found internet access. So i switch the phones and head back to verizon. This time some shaggy haired dude is working the counter. I hand him the phone, he takes one look at it and says it has water damage, it can't be fixed. Yeah, I just gave up at that point. Now I'm thinking, why the fuck did that first lady not tell me there was water damage? Unless she's retarded, which may very well have been the case, she must have known it had water damage. Fuck, I'm pretty sure the guy knew the second I stepped out of my car with that "I dropped my phone in the washing machine and I'm now going to pretend it just stopped working" look on my face.
Entourage has got to be one of the most overhyped and overrated shows out there. I just don't get the appeal, what the fuck is it? A drama, a comedy? Cause it's not a very compelling drama and it's just not funny enough to be a comedy. I watch it, probably in large part because everyone else does, but at the end of every episode, I always end up thinking, 'Eh, that was OK." This new show on after Entourage, Lucky Louie, is pretty hilarious, though. Now this is a show I'd actually look forward to watching each week. Oh, also, the Sopranos season finale was such a blueballed piece of trash. Every time you thought someone was going to get castrated or beat in the head with a pipe, the show pussed out. Really, how the fuck do you end a season of the Sopranos with everyone sitting around the Christmas tree? That would be like if Jack Bauer had a knife on a terrorist's throat and he suddenly dropped it and said, "Eh, it's just not worth it. Run away, man. Just go."
Life tip of the week: Never do a Jagerbomb at 1:30 am. It will likely lead to a violent rash of online gambling lasting until after sunrise.
P.S. I like how when I spell check these entries, the word "fuck" comes up about 6,000 times. My mom would not be proud.