Ah, Gary, that smells awful! Now I'm gonna throw up!

Here's the photo I've been sending in to apply for Korea jobs. It's only funny because I'm not wearing any pants and I'm pretty sure my right hand is tickling my balls.
The ride home was as smooth as my taint. For the first 213 miles. That's when karma decided to step in and shove a bat up my ass. A couple exits up on the NJ turnpike, a wheel on my car locked up sending the shitmobile into a wild swerve, which is always thrilling when you're cruising along at 80. I managed to pull over without killing myself and after waiting an hour on the shoulder in the 100 degree heat, the tow arrives. Ten minutes later, I'm five miles further on the turnpike and back on the shoulder. This time with the tow truck driver. The tow truck got a flat tire. That's right. A tow truck had to come and tow my car along with the other tow truck. It was pretty fuckin surreal. I came pretty close to running into the middle of the turnpike and ending the day, and my life, a bit early. Ended up getting a room at the econo lodge for the night and i found a bar down the road where I drank until I thought I knew where I was again. That was actually quite enjoyable. Alright, no one gives a shit about this. So car got fixed the next day, I drove home, of course after spending an hour in standstill traffic after the goethals was closed because of an accident. that bridge is such garbage. the two lanes are about as wide as an anoxeric slut and they werent even paved that day. Yeah, no shit, there's an accident? Whoever was involved in that crash should sue the state for being such a fuckin moron.
I sold my mattress on craigs list for $75 and then ended up giving this girl my TV and some furniture since there was no way I was fitting anything else into that car. The girl's sister or cousin of whoever was the biggest butch lesbian I've ever seen. God, the mustache on this chick beast. It was pretty sad when we carried the mattress out to the car and it was very clear that I was the one struggling to keep the thing off the ground. She could have swallowed me.
The Korea recruiter seems to be making progress and things should begin to proceed rapidly on that front. Might be able to get into the same school as Bender and if not, at least be in schools in the same area. Right now, home is still a novelty and I'm content with playing video games and eating taco bell 3 meals a day, but that will get old fast. Second thought, that will never get old and I could easily do that forever and I would if society didn't look down on people like me. And that's why I must leave and pretend for a year that I'm a somewhat decent person who likes to live and do things.
There was almost the brawl of the century at daves house the other night. Late night at this block party, we set up the pong table out in the road. As we're finishing up a game, a bunch of douches come along and call next game. Just to be friendly Dave lets them on. It was fine for a few minutes. But then I went to take a leak and when i returned, this huge meathead with a 1.5 inch cock was going off on dave. he kept yelling i'm going to fuck you in the ass. I was thinking about telling him that's not exactly how you fight people, generally that's called gay sex and takes place between two men who love each other dearly. Yeah, didn't tell him that. Turns out this cockbag had been putting the pong balls in his mouth and Dave asked him to stop doing that, which of course, was a totally unreasonable request. luckily this guy's buddies held him back and tackled him, but that was after he flipped over the pong table sending beer cans everywhere. at that point we went inside and dave plotted how to destroy all of east islip.
montreal is on the agenda for this weekend. i've never been there but sean promises that there will be girls who will show things that i want to see.
yeah, it's definitely time for taco bell, hopefully it won't be a repeat of saturday night when daves special medicine caused me to order 400 tacos.
Peace bitches.

The End of an Era. Goodbye, Richmond.

I've got the all-clear to head to foreign lands. The doc confirmed the ER diagnosis, saying there's a very small shot of it happening again, and if it does, I've just got to ride it out and not play any board games that require a good memory.
I made the mistake of telling the entire county I was going to Korea, so at the school board meeting the other night, the chairman made me stand up and tell the crowd where I was going. And everyone went ooh ahhh, wow. It was, terrible.
Things are progressing on that front, as it looks like Bender and I might be able to get in the same school in Seoul. Now we just have to hope Japan doesn't decide to bomb North Korea anytime soon. That would pose a problem, considering NK could demolish Seoul in about 2 hours. I'm sure I'll have fun over there, but I'm not sure I want to be a refugee for 30 years.
I don't think I can drink anymore. The last two times I've gotten trashed, this incredible wave of depression has washed over me. Maybe my body has finally had enough. It's saying Fuck off, Ryan, I'm not going to be your little bitch anymore.
The excitement of leaving Richmond is tempered by the sadness of leaving Richmond. It's been my home for the past 6 years and I will miss every part of it. I came to Richmond at a buck thirty with bleached blond hair and a huge photo album of high school homosexuality. I leave about 30 pounds heavier, with some shades of gray up top, and a huge photo album of college homosexuality. In a way, I feel like I'm just now graduating college. I was back on campus a bunch the past couple of years, first when Emily was there and then my brother this year. It's tough to let go of it. Every part of me says, that was it, that was as good as it gets. I guess I just have to hope I'm wrong.
The next time I post, I'll be a N.Y. resident once again. Don't tell the Virginia DMV.

Still alive. Barely. Legal.

This weekend has been a bit more healthy than the last. There have been no ER visits and I can still remember my life. I went to a neurologist last week and of course, the guy is African with a strong accent, whereby I can understand about 1 out of every 5 words he says. He wasn't all that helpful in pinpointing what caused my blackout, though he didn't fall on the floor and begin convulsing when I said I was planning on going to Korea next month, so that was a good sign, I guess. What he did order was a EEG, which is one of those tests where they strap electrodes on your head and check out your sexy brain waves. Oh and also, it was a sleep-deprived test, meaning that I had to stay awake all night until the test the next morning. As I was leaving the office, I asked the doctor if I could drink caffeine to help me stay awake and he laughs and says something like "Yeah sure, that's OK." I get to the front desk to checkout and the nurse who does the EEG's tells me I can't have any caffeine. Yeah, that's reassuring.
They told me beforehand the test wouldn't be painful and really it wasn't, but pain is a whole lot different than discomfort. And this was a uncomfortable experience. The whole point of the test is to try to make you have a seizure or freak out in an attempt to recreate what went wrong in your brain during the original episode.
The first part of the test, I'm lying on a table totally naked and there's this strobe light thing right above my eyes. Wait, I'm not naked. The light starts blinking, nurse tells me to open my eyes. A few seconds later, eyes closed. This goes on for 5 minutes, with the light getting brighter and blinking faster everytime. My brain remained online, but my eyes were watering more than they did than when James Braddock beat Max Baer. I'm pretty sure my shirt was soaked in my own tears. The light thing ended and I'm thinking, alright can't get worse than that. Hyperventilate for 5 minutes straight, you know what, I didn't think that would be all that difficult. God, it's fucking breathing. I can handle that. I couldn't. About 30 seconds in, I was about to jump off the table and smack the nurse in the face. 3 minutes left, you're doing great. Are you fucking kidding me? I've only been doing this for 2 minutes? Kill me. At this point, I also have some sort of electricity running through my body, so my fingers and toes are tingling and I can't tell if that is from the crazy breathing or the crap strapped to my head. I thought I was going to pass out. But I made it, somehow. Then get this, it's time for a nap! Apparently that was the point of the sleep-deprived thing, to make me be able to fall asleep during the exam. I don't care if I had been awake for 6 years, there was no way in hell I was going to nod off after that traumatic episode. I pretended to be asleep, but filthy nurse slut knew it from looking at the brain waves.
I have another neurologist appointment this week, where I'll get the results of blood work and the EEG, if I can decode what the doctor says. When I went running yesterday, I felt light headed on the verge of collapsing, which may have been caused by the heat, my pathetic body, or my fucked up brain. I guess we'll see.
It's funny how quick things change. Two blog entries ago, I was saying I'd never be able to use up my remaining three sick days at the H-P. Yeah, well, there are all gone now. I gave my two weeks notice on Thursday, my last day is the 14th. I really can't imagine myself doing any sort of real work from here on out.
Oh, and yes, I've given up completely on new photos. It's classic homosexual erotica from here on out.