Is that a BLOG in your pocket?

My brother, Danny, was feeling a bit left out of my blog and asked for a photo display. This was the best I could do. I still can't believe you guys wore those shirts to the party. Everyone was so offended.
What's the deal with fantasy baseball? Sure, I understand how it might be fun to have a make believe baseball team where you get to be the manager and be really cool and all, but it all seems like a waste of time to me. And that's saying a lot coming from someone who spends more time on the couch than a crippled guy with no legs. I had a team a few years ago, and I followed it for about week, but then I realized I really didn't care if Derek Jeter hit two home runs or beat off six times during a game. Maybe I'm just bitter because I'm not part of the elite social network that is fantasy baseball, or maybe I just prefer to be a heterosexual.
I'm really making a concerted effort now to cut back on the boring bullshit that is normally in this blog, namely anything I did over the weekend. I will still report on anything outlandish or any new homosexual stalkers, but otherwise, just assume I did this: Got drunk, played poker, played with myself, watched 40 movies.
I did get a huge break in a story I've been working today about a judge who gives out soft sentences to juveniles and lets child rapists out on bond. Basically, when it publishes sometime next month I will be the featured guest on Bill O'Reilly. I'm only half-kidding. This judge is going to get nailed. Hard.
On that note, I'm sick of this Duke lacrosse rape stripper thing that's been all over the news. Lots of people get raped everyday in this country, why should I care anymore about this one? Yeah, it's a terrible thing, but do I need to have it drilled into my head all the time. Because a bunch of rich white kids were involved? How do people sit there and watch this stuff on tv all day? Natalie Halloway? That slut has been dead for five years now. I will never be on tv because I don't look like Anderson Cooper, God he's gorgeous, but television news is everything that is wrong in the world.
And why are there all these stories about high gas prices and how people are now riding their bike 30 miles to work? Please. So what, it costs an extra $10 a week to fill up your tank? You know what, if that extra $10 means you need to ride your bike down I-95, sell your fuckin bike and buy a sandwich, you poor bastard. Unless gas is $15 a gallon, no one is cutting back, no one is buying a hyrbrid, Thanks!, stop with the drama. When I'm done pumping gas, I spray the nozzle on the ground for a few seconds, it's feeeels so good.
How do you know when a cactus is dead? My mom gave me one a few years ago because she thought I liked them, when in fact, I don't, mainly because I don't understand them. Is it a plant? A weapon? A sex toy? The only time we ever talk about the cactus is when either John or I make a stupid comment about shoving the thing up someone's ass. Oh right, when is it dead? I usually remember to water it about once every six months and one time all the dirt fell out during a car ride. Is it supposed to grow? Cause it's not. It just sits there, all high and mighty, being all boring. I mean, what the fuck, cactus, entertain me, play with my balls, do something. Why do people like the damn things? They don't smell nice, they look like, well you know what they look like. I don't see the appeal, but yet I've had this cactus for three years now. I can't bring myself to throw the thing out. I think I somehow believe I can nurture it back to life so it will grow into a big strong man cactus and stop acting like a pussy. I put it outside now, so that should help. Now I just have to stop pouring beer on it.
I will leave you with this, and consider it sort of a public service announcement, here's a short run down of recent movies I've watched. See these: Jarhead, Chumscrubber, Proof, King Kong, History of Violence, In Good Company, Bully Don't See: Good Night and Good Luck, Fun With Dick and Jane, Broken Flowers, Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, Aviator, Kicking and Screaming. Also, Six Feet Under is the best show in the history of television. I watched the series finale three times. God, death gets me so hot.
I hope tonight's the night Jack Bauer finally unleashes the massive dump he's been holding in for the past five years. On Audrey's head. That chick is beat.