Shockering the World- London Edition

Welcome to the back from London edition of my blog. Here on the left is one of London's most famous tourist attractions: the Shocker chair at the arcade/casino. My mom didn't know what the shocker was, but she insisted on attempting to make the sign repeatedly in what can only be described as the ultimate low point in the history of my family (See the photo below of her attempting to do it in front of Westminster Abbey. Notice I tried my best to maneuver the camera above her, to no avail. Just wrong.)
It was a fun trip, although spending the entire first night lost on the night buses and paying $4,000 for a beer wasn't all that great. The hotel was right next to the underground so it was usually real easy to get around town, but the subway closes at midnight, which is exactly when you need a simple, very direct route home. We did manage to make it out a few nights and the trip concluded with a lovely boot from a bar. Story goes like this: John and I went to a bar in Leicester Square that had this promotion with 14 cheap beers on tap they billed as the Voyage of Discovery. So we decided to discover if we could finish all of them/see how fuckin idiotic we could possibly be. As we neared the conclusion of the voyage, which we attempted to complete way too quickly so we could meet up with the rest of the family, we noticed how retarded all of the bartenders looked in these goofy sailors hats, especially this 6-5 black guy who clearly was not enjoying himself. I asked him if they forced him to wear it, he just smiled, took the hat off, and hung it up behind the bar. At this point, this story is pretty predictable. We wanted the hat. Like, real bad. When the bartenders were all gone for a second, I ran behind the bar and just as I got my hand on the front of the hat, I see the bar supervisor make his way down a couple stairs in front of me. He didn't kick us out then, he just gave us his best dirty British glance. But then we kept offering all the bartenders ridiculous amounts of money to give us a hat and I know we were close to getting one of them to crack when the supervisor told us we were weren't being served anymore. I said we didn't want anymore beer, just a hat. He said, leave the bar. It was still early so we took about 100 flash photos of the two bouncers standing outside. A dick move, indeed, but they were laughing, even as we tried over and over to get back inside. So that was a good time. I'm still not sure if we ever finished the voyage. John says we did, though, and I think I'll take his word for it.
The whole jet lag thing didn't work out too well. We remained on American time throughout the trip. John and I woke up at 330 pm on Monday and Tuesday and on the one day we woke up early, the whole family took a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. We also went to casinos a lot and it was a bit of a surprise how they are all over the place. Sadly the didn't have hold'em so we played that change game where you put a coin into the machine and hope to knock the other coins out, the ones hanging perilously close to the edge. It looks soooo easy, but then you're down 10 bucks and want to kill yourself. We also went to Greyhound Racing one night, where a bunch of dogs run around a track and you bet on the one that goes fucking crazy before the race. That was the most exciting part of the trip, when my dog won the race.
Oh, right, we did do a bunch of the touristy stuff in London, the Cabinet War Rooms was decent, the art museums entertained me for about 5 minutes and Big Ben tried to get in my pants. We attempted to tour the Wimbledon tennis club, but we got there at 5 pm, and I guess things close right after we eat breakfast.
It's clique to complain about London weather, but jesus, 65 degrees, cloudy with a good chance of rain everyday? Give me some sun, damn it. Overall, good time, but by the 3rd day there, I kept thinking to myself: Fuck, I'd much rather spend a week in NYC.
I did see Deal or No Deal for the first time and if the US version is anything like the British version, it's horrendous. How much time can they possibly waste in a half hour of TV? That game should be over in 45 seconds and who the fuck is this banker? If I were the banker, I wouldn't ever offer anything. "Fuck off, keep playing, I'm out of money, I just blew my load on a bunch of Chinese whores." The people who play the game are so retarded, anyway, they should all end up with a nice shiny nickel.
And on the tv front, Elliot Yamin, the American Idol finalist was in Richmond the other day. I was not here, and thank god for that. Let me say this very clearly: If you watch American Idol, you need to throw yourself in front of a moving bus ASAP. There's a story everyday about Yamin in the Times-Dispatch, who the hell is running the paper over there? A 45-year-old overweight divorced woman, with 7 kids and a fucking peanut for a brain? Hey, you know what, if Elliot Yamin adopts a bunch of orphans or pulls a family out of a burning building, let me read about it. Otherwise, if I read one more story about Elliot's mom or Elliot's friends or Elliot's beard, I am going to castrate myself with a butter knife.
Alright, ending on a much more funny note, if you haven't seen this video about the new super soaker, get to it, immediately: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdAIt4MgnHc When Dan showed me it yesterday, I almost died. If you're too busy to go to the video and would rather waste your time continuing to read this blog, here's a brief description. IT'S A WATER GUN THAT SHOOTS OUT SEMEN! I know, you're saying, there's no way that's true. Look, it's called the Super Soaker Oozinator, it shoots out globs of white stuff and little kids rub it all over themselves. This would be pretty funny if it were a joke. The fact that it is listed on the super soaker web site as a real product and it has an ad that says "Pump until white, gooey stuff comes out," makes it the funniest thing I have ever seen. I will probably end up buying one when I get drunk sometime, so then I can shoot ooze all over the place. A bunch of reviews for the gun on amazon were taken down because they mocked its blatant similarity to a fucking penis. Here's one of my favorites:
"I first discovered how fun my Oozinator Blaster was when I was in 7th grade. Ever since then, about 7 years later, I've been having a great time with my Oozinator. It just never seems to get old, its even better to play with friends too! I've found myself shooting friends with the Oozinator plaster all over the place, my bedroom, my couch, in my car, in a movie theater, in bathrooms, anywhere is a fun place to have you and a friend play with the Oozinator. This one time I even got these two girls Catie and Amanda to play with my Oozinator at the same time!"