Want BLOG in your mouth?

There have been a lot of homoerotic photos on this blog. This one, however, easily takes the crown of "Absolute Gayest Photo Ever." Nice work, boys.
I haven't updated this bitch in a while, was a busy week at work and besides that, I just played a ton of poker and watched movies. So basically, I'm still terrible.
Solid weekend, though. Friday was birthday party festivities at Baja for Ellen. Didn't really know all that many people there, but alcohol took care of that awkwardness quite nicely. Damn bar starts closing down at 1:30. Really breakin my balls, Baja. Before we left, I drank a bunch of floaters. Most of them were warm, but there was at least one cold one. That made up for the fact that I probably have herpes now. I'll see a doctor soon.
I spent most of yesterday at UR hanging out with my brother. Great basketball game. The Charlotte coach got ejected and best of all, they had mascot basketball at halftime, which is by far the best halftime show ever. It was kind of unfair, though, cause Ronald McDonald, who molested a few kids before the game, was the only one that really had hands. Felt bad for the Arbys oven mitt. Not only did the thing not have any chance of gripping a basketball, but it was also retarded. It fell down and slammed into a chair at one point. That was enjoyable. Everyone booed Ronald McDonald when he won the MVP award because he was a fuckin asshole ball hog.
We went to a basketball apt. party afterwards, which one again was awkward until I downed a few cups of something called Pink Panty Droppers I believe. I'm pretty sure it had roofies in it, but my ass wasn't sore this morning so I'm not sweating it. I don't know anyone on the bball team anymore besides Steenberge, so I was just waiting for them to kick me out for being an old creepy dude. I think they eventually ran out of alcohol so we went to the Row. Man, it's embarrassing to write about this now. It seemed like a good idea at the time, though. Got into kappa sig, guess it was a slow night. Once that ended, we went back to the apartments. Now its OK for a couple of freshman to crash random parties, but I would have helped the guys who lived at this place kick my ass if they so chose. Weren't in there long though and then we just hung outside the apts for an hour talking to some hot Collegian chick. As we were standing outside, at some point a douche came stumbling out of the apt we had been in and walked a couple doors down. Well, either John or I made some comment about how the guy clearly had no idea where he was, and he heard it, of course. So he comes towards us and is like, "Were you guys just making fun of me? I heard one of you making fun of me." I explained to this dumbass that we were simply saying he definitely didnt live in the apt he had just walked into. I guess he didn't buy it so he went back in and returned with a few other dudes. It didn't seem like it was going to be pretty, but alas, one of the other guys gets over to us and says something like "Oh, you're Ryan Bonner. Great to meet you man." And with that, they all walked away. Pretty fuckin unreal. Seriously, guys, I'm a pretty obnoxious prick sometimes. If you had beat my ass, I wouldn't have written a letter to the Collegian about you. When we got back to his room, my brother hid his roommates weed in the refrigerator. Apparently, this morning, a bunch of pot heads trashed his room trying to look for it. These kids are insane. They wake up and the first thing they do is get high. The roommate has weed lollipops that he eats during class.
I got home early this morning and slept until 2. And then I dozed in and out of sleep on the couch until 7:30. So yeah, I'm pretty much fucked.

And on a completely unrelated note, I finally offer proof that Mike Clements is a fraud. Beneath that good guy persona is a raging alcoholic. This photo is from last year, taken at 4 am after Mike drank 3,000 beers. Now to this day he maintains that he "was just very tired." The evidence suggests otherwise, plus that pillow wasn't even there until I was able to get him to lift his head up for a second so I could place it there. Since that day, I have yet to see Clements even come close to being that tanked again. It was an amazing night. I so could have taken advantage of him. Clements had to read the Bible for six days straight to make up for his sinful behavior.
I bought the new James Frey book, My Friend Leonard, just before it was revealed that the smuck made up most everything that he wrote. Some people say, ah whatever, its still a good, compelling story. But I just can't read it without constantly wondering what parts might be real. I might send the book back for a refund because I doubt I'll ever finish it now. James Frey, you're an asshole. You and Ronald McDonald should die.
After a bunch of elections and school budget garbage, should be an easy week at work. Spending 10 hours on the couch today has worn me out, so it'll be nice to relax a bit this week. Penis.

The Road to the Super Blog

That's what my brother and co. did to his roommate last night. Pretty nice work. The signature really is just an additional blow to the self esteem when the kid wakes up. I like the red nose, though. I might try to pull off that look next weekend.
What's the deal with creepy guys molesting chicks at bars? Went to Richbrau with the girls last night and I swear, every 30 seconds, there was another dude attempting to "dance" with them. One guy would just come up from behind and throw his arms around girls necks. It looked like he was about to strangle them. Anyway, even when the girls would pretend they were with me, which is obviously not very believeable, the sketchy guys would just stand there and stare. They are fuckin vultures, waiting for any scrap of drunk meat to accidentely fall into their arms. It's gotta be tough to be a chick in that situation. I mean, you want to dance and all but at the same time, you have to constantly worry about being impregnated by some little Mexican dude. I'm just glad I have a penis. 2 inches still counts as one, thank you very much.
Once we got to Richbrau and it quickly became clear it was going to be a dance night, I clearly needed to get loaded. And quick. Once I did, I probably could have danced until 8 am. Around 12:30, somehow I made the terrible decision to buy a Red Bull and vodka. Not only was it $9 (how much is that shit in a NYC bar? $1,000?), but I also woke up at 1 pm yesterday and I was nowhere near being tired. So that kind of fucked me over. Didn't make it to bed until 6 am, although I did get a chance to harass John and Kristen before spending hours losing money gambling. I also told Kristen that John is a racist, which led to 10 mins of Kristen repeatedly asking John if that is true. John denied it, but come on, when his dad was down here, he asked if there were any all-white clubs in Richmond. The apple is right next to the tree on that one. Nah, I'm just kidding, John loves everyone (except black people).
My editor called out my co-worker Brad the other day and pretty much said he didn't work enough hours last week so he needed to cover this last minute meeting Thurs. night. It was complete bullshit and Brad rightly got pissed off since he works a whole lot harder than I do. But point is as Brad and my editor were yelling at each other, I walked into the office and offered to cover the meeting myself even though I had worked late the past few nights. It was a pretty smooth play on my part. Yeah, I had to listen to a bunch of retarded parents bitch about school zones for two hours, but I probably bought myself a few get out of jail free cards at work. I think even if I didn't go in all this week, I'd still have a job.
I can't believe Miss Virginia didn't win Miss America last night. That slut was easily the hottest one out there. I was all excited about the swimsuit segment coming back, but that was a big let down. They were all wearing shit my grandmother would wear to the beach. Ah nevermind, thats a terrible thought and definitely not true.
I thought I had a lot in store for this posting, but I'm a bit disappointed in my performance. Maybe my blog magic has run its course. I will meditate heavily the next few days to determine if my blog has a future. I've played more poker this weekend than most normal people play in a year and with that, I have 300 more hands to play tonight. But hey, lets all work together this week to make the world a better place. I know I'm doing my fuckin' part. You bitches.

Real World: Blogville

Howdy ho blogniacs! It's been a busy week at work, even by normal standards. On Monday, my editor made me go to a campaign event in town to meet up with George Allen, the Va. Senator who'll probably run for president in 08. Of course, I had no idea I was interviewing George Allen until Monday afternoon, so I was wearing the pants I haven't washed in a month and the brightest green shirt in the world. When I showed up at the event, everyone else was in suit and tie. Did I feel like a douche? Yeah, you could say that. I ended up having to hang out at this event for two hours mingling with 100 Republicans, one of my all-time favorite activities. I almost felt like grabbing some guy in the room and making out just to see if all of their heads would explode. Damn, too much gayness in this blog. Sorry, I'm cutting back on that. Right now.
So anyway, I did eventually corner Allen as he was hoping back in his car. I told him my editor told me to ask him if he was running for president, but I wasn't going to do that because my editor isn't too bright. He thought that was funny. I didn't. I was serious. At on point in the conversation, he asked me where I went to school. I told him and he goes "Oh, you're a Spider" with a big goofy grin on his face. How do you respond to that? "Um yeah, I'm a big fuckin' Spider. Want to see my web, bitch?" I think he would have talked to me for longer, but I was done after a few minutes. When you're talking to a guy who's one of the top dogs in the U.S. Senate, someone whose been so programmed to spew out garbage, it's just impossible to get an interesting response on any question. I could have asked him what his favorite food was, and he'd probably go off about how much he loves tax cuts and the death penalty.
The town meeting I covered last night ran for four hours and I didn't get home until 1 am. That kind of torture is not in my contract. My damn cell phone also went off during the meeting. Afterwards, I checked my voicemail. It was my Dad. "What are you out your gay boyfriend or just getting drunk?" Real nice.
My car insurance went up $100 the other night when I changed my address online. I hadn't updated it after I moved out of the West End and really, why the fuck I decided to update it now, it just dumb. I could have milked a couple more years out of the old address before they caught me. I looked up some other quotes and found a couple cheaper than Geico, which I'm with now, but when I called Geico to cancel my policy, the lady on the phone was just so friendly, I just couldn't break her heart and switch companies. Yeah, she was just doing her job, but she tried so hard to convince me to stay with Geico, it was a really just a touching, heartfelt phone call that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I love you, Geico phone lady.
Oh, I've also neglected to mention that my buddy Jack recently started a blog and since we're all a big family in the blogosphere, here's the link, http://diversifeye.blogspot.com/ Check it out. Especially his controversial entry on whether it is OK to masturbate on Christmas. The answer will shock you.
I need to be at work in 6 hours which means continuing this blog any longer will lead to serious health consequences.
Keep your head up. Everything will be OK.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Mr. Blog

I've been trying to get on a drinking plan where I only booze on Friday and Saturday nights. That seems to be at least somewhat healthy. But obviously, it never turns out as planned. Thursday night, John and I watched the Godfather since we were both born last week. At around the 2 hour mark, we broke open the wine and of course, John had about half a glass and I drank most of the bottle. On Friday, went out with Lauren and Beth and dropped way too much money at Avalon. I also made an ass of myself towards the end of the night. It was like 1:45 and I had just ordered a rum and coke. The waitress comes around and tells everyone they have two minutes to finish everything. I said something like, "Fuck you, bitch, there's still 15 minutes." Alright, fine, I didn't use those first three words, but I still gave her a hard time. She comes back a few minutes later and tells me to give her my drink. She was obviously crazy. I had just paid $6 for that shit and I wasn't giving it up without a fight. So I kicked her in the balls. I pounded the drink on the side of the table as she stood there fuming. Then as we were leaving, some huge black chick I didn't know handed me a full corona and told me to drink it. Clearly, I did. And then I went home. And therein lies the problem with Richmond. The place shuts down at 2 am and I still have a good 3-4 hours of trouble I should be getting in. I end up playing Party Poker until like 5 am, which really is a quick way to kill a buzz.
It was prob around 8 pm last night and I'm getting dressed after my nap. Suddenly there's this loud banging on my bedroom window. I ran and told Rob, since he takes care of all criminal activity in the apt. Then a knock on the back door. Rob checks it out, and behold, it's fuckin Mike Bender. I knew he was coming to town, but I wasn't expecting him to send the apt into Code Red Grab The Knife and Bats. Despite the scare and me wetting my pants, we let him in. Hungout a while at Lauren's but then they were heading to a party where we didn't know the people. Now yeah, that has never stopped us before, but we decide to turn down the sketch factor for the night. Tried to get Rob, John and Kristen (yes, that one) to come out to a bar with us, but all of their vaginas were sore so we left them behind. Met up with Meaghan and a few people at Cafe Diem. Decent place, wasn't too crowded and Bender, being the rich King that he is, bought my drinks. What a fuckin' guy, that Mike Bender. I gave him a pillow to sleep on later to pay him back.
Ended up drinking a bit more tonight at Kyle's place during the 24 season premiere. What a great fuckin show. It was actually the first time I've watched it on TV since I just plowed through the first four seasons on DVD over the last few months. I have to remember to leave work early tomorrow (I don't think that will be a problem) so I can catch the next two episodes.
Picked up my bro from the train station today to bring him back to UR. It's still fuckin weird going back there. Seems so long ago and just yesterday at the same time. Oh, big surprise that Cooper is on his way out. His resignation was clearly a PR move for the Board and Coop to save face. Maybe I'll send him a card or something. Probably not.
Bender might be going to Thailand to teach English in a few months. I told him to send me some info so I could look into doing something similar. Ideally, I'd like to go abroad and be able to write, but I guess as long as I'm bringing in some sort of income, I think I could make it a year abroad if I actually decide to go down that road. I just need to get off my ass and make something happen.
Anyone seen John's blog lately? 3 pictures? A new low?
I need to start taking some more damn pictures so I can stop using UR photos from years ago on this thing. I'm running out of half-naked guy shots. Well, not really, but still, I could use some fresh material.
That's all I've got. Check back mid-week, where what's this, just in: My life will still be lame.

John Swallows My BLOG

So I got a raise today. Of course, I have no idea how much it is. Apparently I will "learn the details later." Really doesn't matter, though. Unless it's like double my current salary, the May deadline for me to find a better job or ditch Richmond will remain in effect. My New Years Resolution to stop biting my nails has surprising been going well. I mean, most people would still throw up a little in their mouths if they saw my nails right now, but they are in fact growing. Only problem is I always need to be chewing on something, so I've gone through about 20 pen caps and five packs of gum over the last week. I seriously can't chew a piece of gum for more than three minutes without immediately feeling the need to throw it out and chew a new one. I put a piece of gum on my pen cap today. It was a neat combination of really disgusting habits.
I am so sick of these school board meetings I have to cover each month. The first hour is a just a clapfest as every fuckin person in the room receives some type of award and everyone's all happy and yay yay. Sure, sometimes people do great things and deserve recognition but do we really need to give the little first grader who started the pledge of allegiance a standing ovation? I think next month I'm going to stand up and say "Hey everyone, I wiped my ass this morning." I'd probably get a nice trophy or something.
I've been physically unable to write stories this week. I have all the info in front of me, but I can't start the damn thing. I think I'm just so disenchanted with the job and the morons I work for, my body is revolting against me. Today I managed to write a paragraph, but then I fooled around on the facebook. What I was doing on there (looking for hot single dudes, obviously) should have only taken five minutes, but with the computer crashing every five minutes, I managed to kill an hour.
The Colbert Report is really starting to annoy me. Whenever I see him on that promo where he pretends to chug a beer, it hurts me deep down inside. The whole shtick got old in about a week. He runs out and jerks off when he has guests. It's just not funny. They should really just extend the Daily Show to an hour. But even Jon Stewart, who is obviously the man, has become too-righteous recently. It's like, we get it, great, you hate Bush with a passion, but sometimes he doesn't even attempt to be funny. He just tears Bush apart. There's plenty of people out there who do that everyday, but when I watch the Daily Show, I want fuckin' funny, not just angry at the world so I'm going to rant for 10 minutes. But alas, it's still the only show that I watch every night.
Has there been a winter this year? I'm pretty sure we're all going to die from global warming in about three years. I think it's snowed once so far and it's supposed to hit 70 on Thursday. Either God thinks this is all a fun game or we're all fucked.
These mid-week blogs are difficult. Will someone please join a bowling league with me so I have something worthwhile to do during the week? I have my own ball, damn it! Sure it's covered in anti-freeze and motor oil in my truck, but I could buff that shit and be ready to dominate. Tennis and bowling. Man, I love those no contact sports. You know why? Because I'm a PUSSY.
Wow, this blog is going to hell, I better go watch Conan before I do this. 8===D

I want your BLOG inside me

It's really amazing how many people were trying to rip Rob's shirt off last night, but he managed to escape before it turned into a raunchy porno. John and I stayed at the med school party till a little after 1. I was angry at him for being such a little douche and making me leave when I hadn't downed 40 beers yet and there were still a ton of people at the party. Looking back at it now, though, Rob was right: the penis:vagina ratio at the party was about 50:1. Was a good time, though, and I did manage to yell out "golden shower," likely offending 80 percent of the people in the room.
We sat courtside at the UR bball game last night since the place was empty. I wish I had a few beers in me at the time so I would have had the courage to act like a complete jackass and run onto the court naked or something. No shooters on the team this year. Even when they're down 10 with three mins to go, they still pass the ball around the perimeter like it's a fuckin picnic.
I told my editor I wanted a raise last week. I know at most companies, you'd approach the subject with a little tact, but it's the fuckin H-P, so I literally just said, "Hey Greg, I want a raise." And apparently I'll be eligible for one in a couple weeks when I enter my second fun-filled year at the worst paper in the country. Once I get it, I'll probably give in and buy a Nano, but I'm still not understanding the whole Ipod craze. I'm pretty much always near my computer, I never exercise and I don't spend much time driving, so where the hell are you supposed to use the thing? Really, I'm just going to get one so I can pick up high school chicks at the mall. They'll be impressed.

Sadly, this is as naked Rob would get the entire night. Look at that body though. Smokin'. Sorry, that wasn't meant to be gay. Oh, and let's give a big blog out to Rob's dad, who is apparently an avid reader of this blog. Welcome, Mr. Becker. Hope you enjoy your stay.
Anyway, I don't know why I'm talking about Rob again. Lauren has started a blog, http://nameschangedtoprotecttheinnocent.blogspot.com/, and really, I'm very pleased at this. You're only my friend, damn it, if you have a blog. So, Lauren, congrats, you're in the club. You should feel honored.
Richmond has gotten plenty of bad press the last week, with a couple of families being murdered. Some really sick stuff. And it seems like someone from UR dies every other day. I blame it all on the fuckin' winter. It's absolutely terrible and it makes me cry for hours each day. Seriously, how can you not be depressed in the middle of January? If you're not, at least a little bit, I hate you.
You know what else I hate: People who don't use their turn signals on lane changes. God, I can't put into words how much this annoys me. I don't even care if you cut me off or hell, tap me from behind a bit, but if you don't use a signal, I am wishing evil things upon you, including death by fork stabbing.
I got my first Sheetz $25 reward card for spending a ton of money on my Sheetz credit card. It was pretty exciting for me, actually. I think now I get 3 percent back on purchases from those bitches, so I might walk around the gas station and offer my card for people to use. I don't know, maybe they save a buck and I get a little cash back. Haven't worked out all the details yet, but it's definitely a scam in the making.
John has been pissing me off lately. The bastard goes running everyday and now he's heading to bed around 9 each night. It's complete horseshit. He's a terrible roommate. I need to get out of this place. I'm moving into Lora Robins next week. That won't be shady at all.
I haven't taken my contacts out in a week. My eyes burn and chances are I'll be blind in a couple years. I'm glad I take such good care of myself. Alright, I've been waking up at 1 pm lately and I'm still tired. I need to change that. I'm going to try the Nyquil approach and if that doesn't work, I'm just going to bash my head against the wall until I'm unconscious. Good clean fun. I love you. Seriously, let's get naked.

Take off your pants and BLOG IT

When I got to work today, my desk was all cleaned up with all my stuff stacked neatly. Usually it's a mound of papers and leftover food wrappers from Sheetz. But apparently while I was in NY, Greg decided it'd be a great idea to "tidy up" my desk. In the process, he threw out all of the old newspapers I was saving to cut out clips for future jobs. I could have seriously killed him, but that's not legal I don't think. I didn't make a big fuss out of it because arguing with Greg is like jerking off a camel. Sure, it seems like a good idea at first, but in the end, you're just all sticky and miserable. Fine, bad example, but damn, he makes me so angry. Later in the day, he broke the news that everyone on staff, all 3 of us, would have to write a story for a bridal/wedding special section next week. Whatever, I can handle that B.S. But then the catch, "Uh, our ad section wants us to focus on our advertisers businesses in the stories." Now anyone who knows anything about journalism knows well that the news and ad departments are completely separate entities and should never overlap. Greg knows this, but he's too big of an ass to give a shit about it. "Uh, I guess it's a conflict of interest, but I don't think we can get out of it." Such a pussy. Every inch of my soul wants to just go off and tell everyone at the paper how terrible they all are and I relish the day I get to do that. Hopefully it won't be five years from now.
Anyway, in case you were wondering, and you're not, my New Year's Resolutions are to stop biting my nails, which I've been doing for 15 years, to maintain my horrible lifestyle of eating garbage and watching tv all day and to get punched in the face. Really, I've never been in a fight and think it'd do me good. So if anyone wants to volunteer to sock my in the nose, I'll be accepting applications soon.
Oh, I also realized you only get a certain amount of space on this thing to post photos and since I've already used like 3,000, I need to cut back. But don't worry, if any exciting man on man goes down, you can count on that being posted ASAP. Apparently my blog is too profane to use this advertising software they have (notice the white bar on top of this page where PG-pusses like John have ads). It's complete bullshit though. This blog has always been meant to be family reading material and I would encourage all of you bitches to read my blog during dinner time conversations. I'm gonna go set myself on fire now.

2006: The Year of the Blog

I've had plenty of free time over the last week so I do offer my sincerest apologizes to my loyal blog readers for my lack of posts this week. Whenever I was thinking about posting, I usually got too drunk to be able to form coherent sentences. I've been sleeping way too much, which isn't really a surprise, but I think it may be starting to fuck with my brain waves. I woke up at 4:30 on Wednesday. I saw 15 minutes of daylight. It's been a dark vacation.
Spent most of New Year's Eve at my cousin's house. Had planned on only hanging out for an hour or so, but then we started playing seven deadly sins or something with these young girls, and clearly, I was staying for that. Did finally make it over to Dave's around 1. When I walked in, Bobby and Michelle were spooning on the couch. You dirty slut, Bobaloo. Didn't really do much (we're so fuckin old) and we eventually left when Dave insisted on fighting someone in his living room.
I took the above photo with the dog while my family was at church on Christmas morning. God, I hate people that just go to church on major holidays and I just wasn't being one of those people. It's like, "Hey Jesus, nice to see you for the first time this year. I'll be back next Christmas with the rest of these morons." You either go to church every week or you don't go at all. I don't care which people choose, but if you try to pick go twice a year, I'm probably going to need to inflict serious pain. Just kidding, I can't do that.
Yeah, this blog is pretty lame. We did see Colleen Colgan at Applebees the other night, and she remains the "Hottest Friend Sister I'd Like to Nail". Next time she is single, which rarely happens, I'm going to ask Sean to put in a good word for me.
I'm expecting great things from this blog in 2006. Topics may include: how to mate with your pet goat, the rise of the dildo and what it means for your health and of course, mainly, me complaining a lot about things no one cares about. I am officially ending my competition with John's blog. It was fun while it lasted, but one glance at his blog, and it becomes clear why no one is reading it. I mean, really, his recent attempt to spell the word "patience" came out as "patients." That's just amateur and there's no room for that non-sense in the blogosphere. So, I declare myself the winner of "Whose Got the Better Blog" and that's the end of that.
I have to pack for the trip back to Richmond. It's been a great run of sleep and booze, but my crappy job and terrible roommates await my glorious return. Till next time, go blog off.